If It Wasn't For Them

Today is the day you're brother's adoption is official.
I can't help but think about the day I found out yours was.
I didn't realize it would hurt so much to see everyone so happy.
Trust me baby, I was happy for your mom and dad, and for you.
But it just hit me that you were no longer mine.
No longer mine.
Thats a painful thought.
I know that your DNA is my DNA.
I know that your blood is my blood.
I know that I carried you for 9 months.
I loved you.
I wrote to you.
I read to you.
Prayed with you.
Played with you.
I don't really know why the adoption hearing was so hard for me.
But I know it was the right thing.
You're with your family.
They belong to you and you to them.
You will of course, always be, my baby...
Even though you're no longer with me,
There is no denying you were here.
My heart pumps the same blood that runs through your veins.
You always have me with you.
In your heart.
In your soul.

The smile on your face in all your pictures on that adoption day
Brings happiness to my heart.
Yes, that was the day everything became "official"
So of course, it was a hard day for me.
But that was the day that you became a Webb.
God blessed you with a family that can give you everything I can't.
On that day, He made it where no one could take the gift of your life away from their hands.
And because of that...you can't be taken from my hands.
My son, we are truly blessed to have the kind of adoption we do.
Thank your Mom and Dad.
If it wasn't for them...

Today

Wondering what you're doing today.
I'm just sitting at work thinking.
I know you know that I love you, but
I really just wanna find some way to show you.
I've contemplated everything...
Writing a book or a song you can sing.
Nothing seems to come out right.
It never does.
Thats how it works.
Never can find just the right words
To portray the truth inside.
A pictures worth a thousand words
But every one I've had to hide.

At first looking at pictures of you
Was something too hard for me to do.
Its been over a year now and since time has passed
I think I'm ready to pull them out at last.
In the beginning seeing your smile was hard.
Now its what I live for.
I couldn't help thinking of what I was missing.
But that smile is why you're not with me.

If you were with me I'd never be home
Between work and school you'd be alone.
I wouldn't be able to kiss you goodnight.
Rarely could I hold you tight.
The money I make just couldn't cut it
So I'd be working two or three jobs just to provide.
You wouldn't know who I was inside.
You wouldn't get the chance to see
What a good mom I could be.
So you are with your mom and dad.
They're the best you could ever have had.

I'm blessed they let me come around
Gosh I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't.

I have so much I want you to know.
But in time your curiosity will grow.
We'll sit down with your mom and dad
And talk about the good and bad.
Thankfully, everything they've heard,
But you...I'm scared I'll lose the words.

I never want you to see me cry,
But oneday I know you will.
I'll struggle to get through our hug when I know its our final goodbye.

Listening to the news today made me think...
I don't even want to think.
Because what I thought about made me sick...
A father who watched his son die...
A mother who had no clue why.
You and your brother are my true loves.
I pray to My God above,
Please don't take these kids before me.
I'd lay my life down in a heartbeat.

I may not know everything about you.
May not know what makes you cry.
I might not know how to make you smile
But one thing I know...
I would die.
I would give my life for you.
Forever, that promise will stand true.
You are my son.
You are my love.
My Father sent you from His heart.
I ask from this earth may you not depart.

One Year

One year.
Gone.
So fast.
So slow.
One year.
You're home.
Never alone.
I didn't want to be gone.
One year.
I've missed so much.
First smile I saw.
First laugh was hushed.
Tears well up when I think about
All the things I'll be without.
This isn't about me
Its all about you.
But looking at you now
Its hard to get through.
One year.
Some say I walked away.
But I'm still here...
Crying...
Everyday.
I carried you.
I smiled.
I held you close.
You were my heart.
You are my heart.
Of you, I boast.
"B" you call me
Face full of laughter.
"C" I'll call you
From here on after.
One year.
I could never be mom,
Never be dad.
I could never see you happy
for all the work I'd have.
One year.
The best.
To see you now.
One year.
It hurts.
But I'm so proud.
One year.
I got to see you stumble.
Got to see you run.
Throw you up in the sky.
Jabber for fun.
One year.
You change everyday.
You hum and laugh,
Dance and play.
"ELMO!" you point
At everything.
"Uncle!" you say
Right before you scream.
"Ikum" your brother
You love so much.
"Gypy" the dog
You love to touch.
One year.
What gets me most of all you say
"Dada". Hug him everyday.
And when you look back at me,
Remember I wanted you to be
Everything I couldn't provide for you.
Please don't get mad
I can't live there too.
But I'll always be here...
I love you.